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Lucía y el sexo (REVIEW)

Wow. This was by far the most artfully made porno that I have ever watched in my entire life. For a moment, I actually felt as if I was watching a film.

a month ago

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A Critic's Meta Review: 5/5

Lucía y el sexo (REVIEW)

Wow.

This was by far the most artfully made porno that I have ever watched in my entire life. For a moment, I actually felt as if I was watching a film.

There’s no way this is a film, though. It can’t be. A work of art with this much full frontal nudity (and across gender lines, no less- how progressive!) transcends the realm of cinema, especially when you consider the fact that the private parts shown throughout this movie are quite possibly the most genuine representations of what you are likely to encounter when exploring down there than anything I have ever seen in a porno.

On second thought, maybe it is a film, then. I am not sure. Where is the line drawn? I could not tell you for certain, but I have somewhat of an idea myself.

Now, I am not a professional categorizer by any stretch (as a matter of fact, I had no idea that such a role even existed, nor do I even now after proclaiming it to exist); however, I am a man of reason, and as a man of reason, I have just devised (about eleven seconds ago) a helpful litmus test for determining whether a piece of cinema is pornographic or simply artistic: if you find yourself wanting to take a trip to the restroom to make use of some moisturizer and few tissues, then it is more than likely a porno; if, however, you find yourself wanting to take a trip to the ol’ Internet Movie DataBase to see if you can’t glean some more information about it, then it is probably something a bit more than just a vehicle for tugging your hairy toothbrush.

Good lord, that was hard to reread.

Whether this litmus test is 100% foolproof has yet to be determined, but I definitely think it is significantly more practical for the average bear than the one offered up by Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart during the landmark Jacobellis v. Ohio obscenity trial: “I know it when I see it”.

Like I said, though, I have yet to figure out which side of the fence this one falls on, even after much deliberation.

If this were a film, of course, I would have been just as impressed as if it were the world’s greatest porno. While it is not the world’s greatest movie, in my humble opinion (that distinction still belongs to The Big Lebowski), it is a damn good flick to say the least. The acting is superb throughout (particularly Paz Vega’s performance as the irresistibly gorgeous Lucía) and the plot itself struck a delicate balance between layered mystique and even-handed simplicity.

Not to mention the scenes themselves, of course. One that stood out to me specifically was the one in which Belén was watching the porno with the little girl’s mother on the TV and trying to replicate all of her moves by herself with a dildo.

It was quite refreshing to see the approach that I have taken to learning instruments being applied so broadly across the spectrum of human activity.

I also liked the continued motif of the island and the water that surrounds it. At one point, I started to entertain the notion that maybe all of the scenes that took place under water or on the island were only occurring in Lucía’s mind. However, this notion was eventually dispelled as the movie progressed (no spoilers!)

Luckily for me, I decided to watch this after I had gotten home from visiting my father last week. It would have been a hell of a lot more awkward trying to get through this thing with him lurking over my shoulder the whole two hours.

It is not that he would have been upset or appalled at me for watching a movie like this- to the contrary, in fact. He would have been ecstatic to have had the opportunity to indulge me in what is quite possibly the last vice of his I wish to be cognizant of.

I can still recall a particularly uncomfortable conversation (from around seventh grade or so) in which my father began to describe his favorite sexual positions to me, in fairly graphic detail. My mother was present for this, though she did her damndest not to pay it much mind. She would occasionally butt in to remind him that the “birds and the bees” talk was not supposed to last that long.

He responded that a lot of things are not supposed to last very long, but sometimes they do, and what’s the use in complaining about it?

Just ride it out.

...get your mind out of the gutter, folks.

He was probably talking about basketball games.

Oh daddy dearest- where would I be without your sage guidance?

Mama don’t even know the half of it.


Daniel Sanderson

Published a month ago