The Elusive Nature of Sleep: An Insomniac's Perspective
For many, sleep is a natural, restorative process—a nightly escape into the realm of dreams. But for an insomniac, sleep is a frustrating, elusive goal, often perceived as a distant luxury rather than a basic necessity. The struggle to find rest transforms what should be a peaceful respite into a battleground of anxiety, restlessness, and relentless thoughts.
The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world.—anonymous
As night falls, the world quiets down, and while others drift off peacefully, I often find myself staring at the ceiling, counting the minutes that tick by like hours. The darkness that envelops my room becomes a canvas for my racing mind, painting vivid pictures of worries and regrets. Ironically, the moment I desperately seek sleep, it slips further away, teasing me with its absence. The very act of trying to fall asleep often intensifies my anxiety, leading to an internal dialogue that spirals into a cycle of frustration: “Why can’t I just sleep?” but with a few select pejoratives.
Experts will say, "The first-line treatment for insomnia, according to guidelines from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine and the American College of Physicians, is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I). CBT-I focuses on addressing the thoughts and behaviors that contribute to insomnia, rather than relying solely on medication."—and this may work for you, but I had nothing noticeable with CBT-I.
If the average person gets six hours a night's sleep (the 8-hour myth doesn't exist everywhere in this day and age, we are under-sleeping) and I only get two hours sleep a night, then in a week, I gain an extra day's time! In a year, that's SIXTY days extra I get, sixty days to write, to play games, to make love, to make war...
While the world sleeps, I have a multitude of time to make things right or explore what goes wrong, to file my taxes, call automated phone numbers and do banking, to go for drives with no one else on the road, to plan, to hatch, to exist. This is an astounding feature of insomnia. If I could bottle it, I could surely sell it. No, it isn't healthy, but if my body has "had rest" then what benefit will sleeping have on me? And to testify to that math, I have had insomnia since I was five, fifty years ago, so I have had an extra TWO years of life over the regular sleeper!
With marijuana legalization unfolding in some countries (here in Canada, we've had six years of very well tolerated immersion of marijuana into our social reality), there is a focus on CBD for treating insomnia. Some research suggests that CBD may help improve sleep, particularly for individuals struggling with anxiety, pain, or other conditions that disrupt sleep. I haven't noticed anything at lower doses but 100mg has brought about the "yawns." Plus, I also enjoy the THC benefits alongside the health benefits inherent in CBD, and somewhere in their confluence is sleep, or a more enjoyable night of sleeplessness.
I was looking into Reddit and I discovered an /insomnia forum. I could not believe the tragic tales told by these other people with insomnia, like the troublesome elements sleeplessness destroys every single night, right now I'm sharing 320am with millions of other people who can't sleep! It's a wonder this isn't a critically major health concern, as these people are out there driving, ordering ice cream birthday cakes, or operating heavy machinery. There are so many people interfacing with the world, who have had little or no sleep. This puts them into the arena of a dream-like quality to life, they may appear possibly robotic, or give ping-pong answers to questions. You are dealing with an exhausted alter ego.
When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake. With insomnia, nothing's real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.—anonymous
I often go out driving in the thick of the night, when there are fewer cars on the road. I consider this a PLUS for insomniacs. I also spent a fifth of my life working graveyards, and I loved it. Perhaps we can bring about 24-hour societies where a quarter of the people work, or are out and about, in the wee hours of the morning. I was in Iraq during Ramadan, when the population was awake and shopping in a thriving middle-of-the-night shopper's paradise at 2am. It was a ghost town at 2pm. I think I saw the future of, "night commerce".
I was in a Chinese burn unit after my apartment caught on fire. I was surrounded by 30 men who had survived a propane explosion. I won't detail it further but as you can imagine, the visuals were traumatic, and without any sleep... it was an inescapable Hell by any metric. I was awake for nine days and nine nights... and people start dying after ten days awake. I was finally given some strong Western sleeping pills (in a country that doesn't believe in mental illnesses... it took five doctors over a week to push this through) and caught sleep at the epicenter of sleep's coordinates. Just iin time. But I was delusional, lucid but out of touch with reality.
In a world that celebrates productivity and vitality, admitting to sleeplessness often feels like an admission of weakness. The societal pressure to conform to a “normal” sleep schedule adds to the frustration, making the struggle feel even more isolating. It’s as if I’m caught in a silent battle, fighting against an unseen enemy with outposts in my head.
Six hours' sleep for a man, seven for a woman, and eight for a fool.—Napoleon
Yet, amidst the frustration, there is a glimmer of resilience. I have learned to embrace the quiet moments of the night, finding solace in the stillness when the world is asleep. In these hours, I often turn to writing, reading, or simply reflecting on my thoughts. While sleep remains the ultimate goal, I have found ways to make peace with the sleepless nights, channeling the energy of my restlessness into creativity and introspection.
I will impart the medication that finally engendered some hours of sleep. It is not special, it is not for sleep per se, and it is an extremely subtle and unsuspecting blessed link to rest. Mirtazapine is a simple and low dose anti-depressant that can bring about the mental conditions for sleep, not tired, just (miracle-invoked) the ability to sleep. If you are a sleep sufferer, ask your doctor if Mirtazapine is something you can try. I was on Zopiclone (a terrible class of hypnotic drugs), and it was routinely prescribed by a plethora of doctors, for 25 years. It is not supposed to be used for longer than 2-3 weeks. So I am very happy my solution is a non-addictive, no "loss" of memory, or sleep-walking, medication.
In conclusion, sleep for an insomniac is a complex and often frustrating experience. It symbolizes both a longing for rest and an ongoing struggle against the mind’s relentless chatter. But a full extra two years of being awake yields a fascinating LIFE!
Sleep is the best meditation.—Dalai Lama