A Critic's Meta Review: 4/5
I am going to keep it real with you guys - I did not know that A Christmas Carol was a Charles Dickens novel. I had always just assumed that it was a Walt Disney original. Well, a Carl Barks original, rather. You know, Carl Barks. The Duck Man. The Good Duck Artist. The creator of Scrooge McDuck, one of the most iconic residents of the Ducksburg universe. An absolute legend in the world of children’s animation.
I had grown up watching the grim adventures of Scrooge McDuck and his hatred for all things related to Christmas. It reminded me a lot of my Jewish friend, Michael Eisenbock, who was notorious among our schoolmates growing up as being, well, a real life Scrooge. I remember once we were having a big Christmas party in first grade, and this girl - I think her name was Elizabeth, but maybe it was Katherine; I honestly couldn’t really keep track of all the names back then as they all sort of sounded (and, in many cases, were exactly) the same walked up to Michael with a big, beautiful slice of red velvet cake with decadent white frosting (intended to replicate the beard of old Saint Nick himself) and a priceless smile that said “I have nothing but positive feelings to exhibit towards you and I desperately hope that you will accept these feelings and meet them with some positive feelings of your own” but also “The teacher just told me I have to give everyone a piece of cake and, even though I know you are Jewish and do not celebrate Christmas, I really think you should just take this cake so I can avoid getting lectured by Mrs. Adams”.
Man, that Mrs. Adams was a real piece of work. She made me cry on several occasions. One time, I had just come back after getting a wedgie and a few racial slurs thrown my way by a couple of fifth graders (a group of twelve year olds with the combined brain capacity of one six year old) and, coming into homeroom a couple minutes late, was forced to explain to the class who Christopher Columbus was.
I said “a scientist”. I should have said “a terrorist”.
Back to the cake, as I am sure you are all dying to know what happened. Well, Michael did accept the plate...and then he smashed it onto poor Elizabeth/Katherine’s face. Just like that. When we asked him why, he had but one thing to say: