A Critic's Meta Review: 5/5
I never understood it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she was gorgeous. There is simply no getting around that. I would totally waste a solid two to three hours trying to get her to notice me at a night club somewhere, perhaps through the act of “peacocking”, in which the male will make an exhibition out of himself in order to secure the affection of whoever he happens to be lusting after at the time.
But an entire war? Countless lives lost in a long, drawn out battle between a bunch of people who have never met each other before but have been told to brutally murder one another? And all for what? A girl?
The power - it holds so much power. What is it, you might be wondering? Well, I think we all know what it is. It’s that thing that just...fits like a glove, where most other things only cause slight irritation and discomfort. It is the doorway into a new dimension, one in which you are able to find out just who you truly are, where you can be all you can be, prove to yourself that you can endure even the most challenging of situations, demonstrate to the world (or at least one of its residents...maybe more, if you happen to be a particularly charming chap with a knack for things like that) that you do, indeed, exist, and you plan to make it known as explicitly as possible. And, believe me, it is almost always a highly explicit affair. That being said, as Peter Parker’s uncle once wisely reminded him, with great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people have not figured out how to handle the power of this magical box.
Who knew that, with just one measly reproductive organ, the entire political, social, and cultural landscape of the modern Western world would be fundamentally transformed forever? Indeed, this is the power of the punani. It inspires action in a way that nothing else I have ever seen does, and the sort of action it inspires is typically quite uncharacteristic of those engaging in it. It deploys forces. It launches missiles. It sinks ships. It finances propaganda campaigns. It lies incessantly. It backstabs your most trusted friends in order to finesse a few extra bills - just enough to keep the sweet spot fertile for the rumbling and a-tumbling. Kudos to you, Helen - you may not have known it, and you honestly did not have to do very much in order to inspire it so it is unlikely that you would have known it, but you held the key to understanding pretty much all of human male psychology. Almost all of history can be boiled down to what this can be boiled down to - a classic case of this.